Show Us Yer Colours

May 16th, 2019 by The Doctor


Greetings weary travellers!

What do LA street gangs and dogs with emotional disturbances have in common?

police_line001

As every schoolboy knows, for many decades the suburban neighborhoods of Los Angeles have been divided up by rival gangs who are constantly shooting and killing each other over drugs, territory and bewilderingly ostentatious displays of machismo.
The Bloods are distinguished by their gang hand signs, graffiti tags and especially their displaying of the color Red.
The Crips adopted the color Blue.
Getting caught in the wrong place wearing the wrong hue can literally cost you your life…

You may not be aware, there is also an internationally-recognised color code for dogs.
A dog’s collar or leash, (or perhaps a rakish bandana) may be color-coded to let you know something important about a dog you see on the street or at the park.

Red – Caution (Leave me alone, or I will totally fucking eat your child’s face)

Orange – I like people, but not other dogs (I will kill your dog and shake it like a martini)

Green – Friendly ( I will rub my erect penis against your leg)

White – I am blind. Or deaf. Or both (I could be the Helen Keller of dogs)

Yellow – I am very nervous. (I will likely piss myself if you make eye contact with me.)

Purple – Don’t feed me. I may be ill, (or my owner is vegan, and recently decided that therefore I am too. Soon I will die.)

Blue – I am a service dog in training. (School is in, playtime is later. OK?)

So dear reader, be careful whose dog you pat (or attempt to fellate).

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And if you are color-blind, it would be best you stay away from East L.A (or just avoid Los Angeles altogether – it’s a hole).

Cheers!

Who is Dr. Maz?

May 15th, 2019 by The Doctor


Dr. Maz

is an Australian avant garde artist and musician, and as such has no authority to practice medicine.*

*Medical advice given in these pages may contain errors or omissions which may result in early preventable death.

Any diagnosis received from the Doctor should be taken with a pinch of salt (unless you are on a low-sodium diet, in which case substitute a pinch of potassium chloride).?

Isha Maz

Not a recent photo

Just Another Snowflake

March 3rd, 2016 by The Doctor


You are a precious unique snowflake, no-one who has ever lived is exactly like you!


Nearly everyone imagines themselves to be a special person, the star of their own amazing personal show.

Which is all well and good, as long as you accept that another 7.4 billion humans today deserve to believe the same thing.
Western civilisation has evolved, and the widely held racism, sexism and homophobia of previous generations has been discarded (at least by most people under thirty) and we are all much better off for it.
Some foul, insecure people with deformed, malignant personalities imagine that they are somehow better than you, and are entitled to tell you what is right and what is wrong.

Insufferably smug.

 

These self-important dipshits think they can shout down any dissenting opinion because they occupy some imaginary intellectual or moral high ground, and try to censor speech and even thought that doesn’t fit their agenda.
To be a special snowflake in 2016, the flaccid egos of middle-class white people need a way to put themselves above their peers. Don’t have anything remarkable about you? Of course you do! You are a 20 year old male university student and a feminist! You won’t stand for the objectification of women! Stage a protest! Bring a bull-horn with you so you can drown out the angry mob of PETA protesters who are screaming at a bewildered passerby for wearing leather Doc Martens.

Bieber fever

Change your facebook status to show how you aren’t fooled by stupid doctors who don’t realise that vaccination causes autism! Get diarrhea from drinking a giant kale, quinoa, chia and gojii berry smoothie on your way to getting a herniated disc from your cross-fit session with your fake-tanned personal trainer with tribal tattoos and shrivelled testicles from his secret steroid regimen.

I love living in The Future!

As in George Orwells’ 1984, those who control the language, control the discourse. Arsehats who presume to forbid others using certain words effectively stifle any dissent. If I hold a view that you find repugnant or offensive, let me say it aloud in public and my ideas can either stand or fall on their own merits. It is perhaps the ultimate irony that the right to free-speech is slowly being taken away by those who once benefited from it. If you can’t take a joke at your expense then you really need to take stock of your own level of delusion. Your sense of self-worth should be built on your empathy for the 7 billion other idiots like you, and expressed through your kindness and understanding.

Screeching and wailing as your fragile cocoon of self-deceit cracks from any criticism is a sign that you need to wake up to yourself – you stupid, worthless piece of shit .

Acceptable risk.

March 1st, 2016 by The Doctor


Once upon a time East Germany was a nightmarish Police State, the Stasi secret police would whisk dissenters away during the night, and no-one could dare mention it in public as half the populace were spying on the other half, eavesdropping on conversations and ready to inform on their neighbours.

In the west in 2016 we bask in the sunshine of freedom and democracy, or do we?

As far as your Corporate Overlords are concerned you are no longer a citizen, but merely a consumer at best and a suspect at worst.
What constitutes a crime is determined by an elderly conservative elite, whose own crimes of greed and environmental destruction are protected and enshrined in The Law. Meanwhile, your personal choices have become crimes that sometimes result in them taking away your liberty, but more often your money.

It’s for your own good.

Until quite recently it was unthinkable that you would be pulled over while driving in your car within the speed limit, minding your own business, just enjoying being a free citizen and tax payer of your country.
Oh, it’s a random roadside test? You no longer need any reasonable suspicion that I was committing a crime? Am I under arrest? No, but if I don’t do what the nice university graduate in the blue uniform says I will be? Yeah, yeah blow in the straw… Oh this is new – swipe this thing across your tongue. If you have smoked any marijuana in the last week it will show up. Does this mean I am high as a kite right now? No… But, you will be getting fined because we don’t know if you are or not.

Tastes like… Freedom!

I am all for not getting killed or maimed by a drunk driver, but everyone knows by now that the cops constantly scan number plates as they drive along. If they see I have a history of numerous mid-range or any high-range offences then fine, whatever – pull me over and test me.

You cant even go to the train station or take a walk through a park without the fucking drug-sniffer dogs getting up your arse. Get you own fucking pot, Scooby Doo!
When did we decide to just accept that we can be stoppped and searched for NO REASON as we walk around in our own fucking country?


Our fathers and grandfathers fought and died to preserve our “freedom”.
Now some arsehole with a law/sociology degree is trampling on your freedom and you are expected to just lie down and take it?
Don’t tell me it is to protect us from the bogeyman of terrorism – that is the biggest load of straw-man bullshit. Three deaths on Australian soil so far? A suicidal fourteen year old puppet murders an accountant?

ASIO and all the well-funded spooks still allowed that deranged prick Man Monis to walk about unwatched while he was on bail for conspiracy to murder, multiple rapes, fraud and generally being a self-promoting fuckwit. More people are killed by vending machines falling on them, yet they don’t bolt them to the ground.

Darwin Award winning stick-man.

Reality being enough of a challenge for me at this stage, I seldom  indulge in anything stronger than coffee or the odd cigarette – but I don’t see how everyone who chooses to partake is persecuted by ageing narrow-minded killjoys.

NSW Premier Mike Baird – representing ALL rich conservatives.

Life is risk, and if I am an adult I will do whatever I want, whenever I want and I don’t need an army of  incompetent nannies running after me with a safety helmet and a packet of Disney band-aids.

Invisible Friends and Feeling Good About Yourself

February 26th, 2016 by The Doctor


Welcome back concerned citizens!

What if you were a member of a bikie gang and your comrades found out that you were molesting little kids?

Would they try to keep it quiet? (or kick you to death in a 7-11 parking lot?)

Maybe move you to a chapter in another town? (or take you out in the bush and make you dig your own grave?)

It’s fair to assume that there is more honour and justice in a group of tattooed outcasts than in organised religion. What delusion is society operating under that we tolerate this bullshit in the 21st century?

Religions and Charities are both colossal scams.

Churches, mosques and temples should not be getting an exemption from paying taxes, just because they are engaged in perpetuating their absurd superstitions.
If outlaw motorcycle clubs are specifically targeted by the police for some members engaging in illegal activities, then religious organisations should be targeted for some members raping children and randomly murdering civilians.
If the government had any balls, instead of pandering to the religious right-wing minority they would ban the spreading of this dangerous nonsense.

So-called charities should be stripped of their tax-exempt status if they cannot show that they are using their donations responsibly. The directors of any for-profit company would be lynched if they spent over half their income on administrative costs, yet these oily scammers routinely squander 40-60% of the money they extract from well-meaning people on themselves.

They are just rich beggars, sitting on a pile of cash while they urge you to dig deep in your own pocket for them.

You know those backpackers who pester you in shopping centres and in the city for “donations”? Those “paid collectors” personally keep fully 50% of the money you hand over to them.

So, say we donate $200 (of what you have left over after paying  our taxes) – they pocket $100 of that (for 8 pints of Guinness and a Happy Meal) later that day.

“G’day backpackers.”

Also, why are there hundreds of  cancer charities foundations instead of just one?

Would it not be more efficient to pool their resources if they were genuinely concerned with actually finding a cure instead of promoting themselves and there own self interest and vanity?

126,800 Australians were expected to die of cancer in 2015 – if the relatives of every single one of them started a new cancer charity that would be what we statisticians call “a fuck-load too many”.

See for yourself how much these crooks hypocritically line their own pockets below*.

http://australiancharities.acnc.gov.au/visualisations/explore-all-charities/

 

*Or just send your donations directly to Doctor Maz, and I promise to only keep 25% (and not fuck any kids).

Season Greetings!

November 27th, 2014 by The Doctor


Season Greetings non-retards!

As another year draws to a dismal close, there is an apparent epidemic of idiocy throughout the world and I am constantly either amused or disgusted, usually both at the same time.

If I see you reading the Daily Telegraph, you are obviously so afflicted with crippling stupidity that I wonder how you got together the $2 to buy it.
If you buy one of those stupid things that squirt bug spray/ air freshener/ germicidal liquid automatically in your home you are an especially vile kind of cretin, and a likely future Darwin Award winner. The air inside your house is fucking fine already, stupid. How can there be a market for idiscriminately spraying clouds of toxic chemicals where you eat, sleep and breathe?

We Australians like to think that we are all brave young ANZACs, crocodile hunters and sun-tanned steely-eyed lifesavers, but the reality in 2014 is a nation of flabby, ignorant, bigoted, petty, selfish arseholes.


How else could Rupert Murdoch have persuaded so many of us to elect a reptilian semi-human pommy wing-nut like TONY MOTHERFUCKING ABBOTT to ruin the country?

Our political spectrum has drifted so far to the right that even Pauline Fucking Hanson has popped up again as persistent (and welcome) as genital herpes.

Our beautiful planet is beset with dire problems due the avarice of a cabal of evil scumbags while fear and greed are used as dogwhistles to prod the masses to stumble moronically through their selfish, pointless existences as the riders of the apocalypse loom ever closer behind.

Instead of doing anything about it, we are busy obssessing about Kim Kardashians ridiculous elephantine arse, getting a new iphone, or writing unfunny,badly -formatted illiterate self-serving blog posts that nobody will bother to read (hi mum!).

Pull up a chair, crack open a beer as we sit back and watch the flailing empty-headed masses slide into the cosmic abyss, oblivious to everything except their final pointless facebook status updates.

Merry Christmas everyone!
The Doctor


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