You are a precious unique snowflake, no-one who has ever lived is exactly like you!

Nearly everyone imagines themselves to be a special person, the star of their own amazing personal show.

Which is all well and good, as long as you accept that another 7.4 billion humans today deserve to believe the same thing.
Western civilisation has evolved, and the widely held racism, sexism and homophobia of previous generations has been discarded (by most people under thirty) and we are all better off for it.
Some foul, insecure people with deformed, malignant personalities imagine that they are somehow better than you, and are entitled to tell you what is right and what is wrong.

Insufferably smug.

 

These self-important dipshits think they can shout down any dissenting opinion because they occupy some imaginary intellectual or moral high ground, and try to censor speech and even thought that doesn’t fit their agenda.
To be a special snowflake in 2016, the flaccid egos of middle-class white people need a way to put themselves above their peers. Don’t have anything remarkable about you? Of course you do! You are a 20 year old male university student and a feminist! You won’t stand for the objectification of women! Stage a protest! Bring a bull-horn so you can drown out the angry mob of PETA protesters who are screaming at a bewildered passerby for wearing leather Doc Martens.

Bieber fever

Change your facebook status to show how you aren’t fooled by stupid doctors who don’t realise that vaccination causes autism! Get diarrhea from drinking a giant kale, quinoa, chia and gojii berry smoothie on your way to getting a herniated disc from your cross-fit session with your fake-tanned personal trainer with tribal tattoos and shrivelled testicles from his secret steroid regimen.

I love living in The Future!

As in George Orwells’ 1984, one who controls the language, controls the discourse. Arsehats who presume to forbid others using certain words effectively stifle any dissent. If I hold a view that you find repugnant or offensive, let me say it aloud in public and my ideas can either stand or fall on their own merits. It is perhaps the ultimate irony that the right to free-speech is slowly being taken away by those who once benefited from it. If you can’t take a joke at your expense then you really need to take stock of your own level of delusion. Your sense of self-worth should be built on your empathy for the 7 billion other idiots, and expressed through kindness and understanding.

Screeching and wailing as your fragile cocoon of self-deceit cracks from any criticism is a sign that you need you wake up to yourself – you stupid, worthless piece of shit .

Once upon a time East Germany was a nightmarish Police State, the Stasi secret police would whisk dissenters away during the night, and no-one could dare mention it in public as half the populace were spying on the other half, eavesdropping on conversations and ready to inform on their neighbours.

In the west in 2016 we bask in the sunshine of freedom and democracy, or do we?

As far as your Corporate Overlords are concerned you are no longer a citizen, but merely a consumer at best and a suspect at worst.
What constitutes a crime is determined by an elderly conservative elite, whose own crimes of greed and environmental destruction are protected and enshrined in The Law. Meanwhile, your personal choices have become crimes that sometimes result in them taking away your liberty, but more often your money.

It’s for your own good.

Until quite recently it was unthinkable that you would be pulled over while driving in your car within the speed limit, minding your own business, just enjoying being a free citizen and tax payer of your country.
Oh, it’s a random roadside test? You no longer need any reasonable suspicion that I was committing a crime? Am I under arrest? No, but if I don’t do what the nice university graduate in the blue uniform says I will be? Yeah, yeah blow in the straw… Oh this is new – swipe this thing across your tongue. If you have smoked any marijuana in the last week it will show up. Does this mean I am high as a kite right now? No… But, you will be getting fined because we don’t know if you are or not.

Tastes like… Freedom!

I am all for not getting killed or maimed by a drunk driver, but everyone knows by now that the cops constantly scan number plates as they drive along. If they see I have a history of numerous mid-range or any high-range offences then fine, whatever – pull me over and test me.

You cant even go to the train station or take a walk through a park without the fucking drug-sniffer dogs getting up your arse. Get you own fucking pot, Scooby Doo!
When did we decide to just accept that we can be stoppped and searched for NO REASON as we walk around in our own fucking country?

Our fathers and grandfathers fought and died to preserve our “freedom”.
Now some arsehole with a law/sociology degree is trampling on your freedom and you are expected to just lie down and take it?
Don’t tell me it is to protect us from the bogeyman of terrorism – that is the biggest load of straw-man bullshit. Three deaths on Australian soil so far? A suicidal fourteen year old puppet murders an accountant?

ASIO and all the well-funded spooks still allowed that deranged prick Man Monis to walk about unwatched while he was on bail for conspiracy to murder, multiple rapes, fraud and generally being a self-promoting fuckwit. More people are killed by vending machines falling on them, yet they don’t bolt them to the ground.

Darwin Award winning stick-man.

Reality being enough of a challenge for me at this stage, I seldom  indulge in anything stronger than coffee or the odd cigarette – but I don’t see how everyone who chooses to partake is persecuted by ageing narrow-minded killjoys.

NSW Premier Mike Baird – representing ALL rich conservatives.

Life is risk, and if I am an adult I will do whatever I want, whenever I want and I don’t need an army of  incompetent nannies running after me with a safety helmet and a packet of Disney band-aids.

Welcome back concerned citizens!

What if you were a member of a bikie gang and your comrades found out that you were molesting little kids?

Would they try to keep it quiet? (or kick you to death in a 7-11 parking lot?)

Maybe move you to a chapter in another town? (or take you out in the bush and make you dig your own grave?)

It’s fair to assume that there is more honour and justice in a group of tattooed outcasts than in organised religion. What delusion is society operating under that we tolerate this bullshit in the 21st century?

Religions and Charities are both colossal scams.

Churches, mosques and temples should not be getting an exemption from paying taxes, just because they are engaged in perpetuating their absurd superstitions.
If outlaw motorcycle clubs are specifically targeted by the police for some members engaging in illegal activities, then religious organisations should be targeted for some members raping children and randomly murdering civilians.
If the government had any balls, instead of pandering to the religious right-wing minority they would ban the spreading of this dangerous nonsense.

So-called charities should be stripped of their tax-exempt status if they cannot show that they are using their donations responsibly. The directors of any for-profit company would be lynched if they spent over half their income on administrative costs, yet these oily scammers routinely squander 40-60% of the money they extract from well-meaning people on themselves.

They are just rich beggars, sitting on a pile of cash while they urge you to dig deep in your own pocket for them.

You know those backpackers who pester you in shopping centres and in the city for “donations”? Those “paid collectors” personally keep fully 50% of the money you hand over to them.

So, say we donate $200 (of what you have left over after paying  our taxes) – they pocket $100 of that (for 8 pints of Guinness and a Happy Meal) later that day.

“G’day backpackers.”

Also, why are there hundreds of  cancer charities foundations instead of just one?

Would it not be more efficient to pool their resources if they were genuinely concerned with actually finding a cure instead of promoting themselves and there own self interest and vanity?

126,800 Australians were expected to die of cancer in 2015 – if the relatives of every single one of them started a new cancer charity that would be what we statisticians call “a fuck-load too many”.

See for yourself how much these crooks hypocritically line their own pockets below*.

http://australiancharities.acnc.gov.au/visualisations/explore-all-charities/

*Or just send your donations directly to Doctor Maz, and I promise to only keep 25% (and not fuck any kids).

Season Greetings non-retards!

As another year draws to a dismal close, there is an apparent epidemic of idiocy throughout the world and I am constantly either amused or disgusted, usually both at the same time.

If I see you reading the Daily Telegraph, you are obviously so afflicted with crippling stupidity that I wonder how you got together the $2 to buy it.
If you buy one of those stupid things that squirt bug spray/ air freshener/ germicidal liquid automatically in your home you are an especially vile kind of cretin, and a likely future Darwin Award winner. The air inside your house is fucking fine already, stupid. How can there be a market for idiscriminately spraying clouds of toxic chemicals where you eat, sleep and breathe?

We Australians like to think that we are all brave young ANZACs, crocodile hunters and sun-tanned steely-eyed lifesavers, but the reality in 2014 is a nation of flabby, ignorant, bigoted, petty, selfish arseholes.

How else could Rupert Murdoch have persuaded so many of us to elect a reptilian semi-human pommy wing-nut like TONY MOTHERFUCKING ABBOTT to ruin the country?

Our political spectrum has drifted so far to the right that even Pauline Fucking Hanson has popped up again as persistent (and welcome) as genital herpes.

Our beautiful planet is beset with dire problems due the avarice of a cabal of evil scumbags while fear and greed are used as dogwhistles to prod the masses to stumble moronically through their selfish, pointless existences as the riders of the apocalypse loom ever closer behind.

Instead of doing anything about it, we are busy obssessing about Kim Kardashians ridiculous elephantine arse, getting a new iphone, or writing unfunny,badly -formatted illiterate self-serving blog posts that nobody will bother to read (hi mum!).

Pull up a chair, crack open a beer as we sit back and watch the flailing empty-headed masses slide into the cosmic abyss, oblivious to everything except their final pointless facebook status updates.

Merry Christmas everyone!
The Doctor

Greetings fellow puritans!
Being a Doctor and a man renowned for his moral fibre, I had been thus far unaware of the recent popularity of the new craze of “fapping” among certain young people. Apparently this pastime often involves the viewing of questionable material involving young ladies in various states of undress.
Bewildered but consumed as usual by anthropological curiosity I asked one of my interns, Fingerless Joe to investigate and report back to me on this phenomenon. ( Fingerless Joe was once himself in the thrall of that evil vice known as masturbation until he lost all ten of his fingers to a nasty stage diving accident involving a 12 inch Zildjian splash cymbal at an all-ages punk/ $2 schooner night at the Manly Fishos Club in 2004)

The Australian Censorship Board (How is this even still a thing?!) decided a few years back that “images of small-breasted women” somehow/almost constituted child pornography and have therefore banned any images or movies containing them. Australians being an obedient lot, and not wanting the government to be burdened with the need to build hundreds of new prisons to punish all the offenders, we quietly accepted the wisdom of our betters.
Therefore ladies if you happen to have small breasts, I suggest only getting undressed in a darkened room lest you find yourself catching a glimpse of your own tidy morsels and slipping into degenerate or antisocial behaviour. If you are a man and your wife/girlfriend/sister/ mum/tinder date has anything less than a pair of solid “C” cup boobs, you may want to just take a plastic spoon and gouge out your own dirty rock-spider eyeballs before you incur the wrath of Those Who Watch Us All In Canberra.

Seasons Greetings citizens!

The Southern states of the USA are forever tied with redneck ignorant political attitudes, in much the same way we here in the Wonderful Land of Oz remember the corruption, racism and general backwardness of the Northern Queensland reign of Premier Joh Bjelke-Peterson and his cronies.

What is it about proximity to the equator and stupidity and bigotry? Is it the relentless heat, beating down on your reddening neck?

Now Queensland premier and former army major Campbell Newman is goose-stepping all over the rights of Bannana-benders, under the always handy excuse of “Cracking Down On Crime”.

I don’t know about you, but if I was involved in a criminal enterprise with a bunch of friends the absolute last thing we would do is all wear a uniform identifying us as members of that gang and travel together everywhere using the noisiest, most attention-attracting mode of transport. It’s not like Batman, where all the Penguins goons wear matching outfits and it takes the cops about .0001 of a second who figure out who robbed the bank using umbrella-guns.

So while Fuehrer Noddy Newman is grabbing media attention making all the bikers feel unwelcome in their home state, he can get back to fracking the shit out of the water table and erecting casinos or whatever dodgy schemes these hypocritical douche-bags get up to.

Like the pesky cane-toad this condescending, authoritarian bullshit creeps south of the border as Canberra and NSW are infested with ever more conservative right-wing arse-clowns and the systemic rape of the earth beneath our feet continues in an orgy of profit-grabbing, and the unique flora and fauna of the “Lucky Country” slip away forever.

The amusingly named “environment minister” just approved one of the worlds largest coal ports right next to the Great Barrier Reef!

And more coal-seam gas fracking!

Merry Christmas Australians!