Archive for the ‘The Bad’ Category

Get a cat. Seriously.

Sunday, September 18th, 2011


Greetings fellow earthlings!

Imagine if you had a drunken midget following you everywhere, babbling inanely, screaming and shitting in their pants. Now imagine if your parents were really pleased about this and encouraged you take another incontinent simpleton into your care.

Imagine a parasite growing inside your body sucking the life out of you until it bursts out of you, tearing apart your vagina in a hellish marathon of pain, suffering and blood!

Yes, of course I am referring to the miracle of childbirth.

 

 

 

 

 

Proud parents come over and show you photos of their horrible, reeking larvae, expecting you to share their enthusiasm for increasing the population of our already overburdened planet.

You don’t have the heart to tell them that the only value you can see in their spawn is as an inexpensive source of protein.

Get a cat.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seriously, kittens are cuter & cleaner than babies and the neighbours won’t call the cops if you leave them at home while you go out at night to drink beer and listen to industrial metal.

Cats dont need nappies changed, spoon feeding and they won’t plot to murder you with shotguns to get their paws on the inheritance –

(Hello Menendez brothers!)

 

 

 

 

 

Next week: Doctor Maz wins more hearts with an explanation of why old people remind him of zombies…

Viva Anarchy!

Wednesday, January 27th, 2010


Greeting fellow citizens of our mighty Commonwealth of Australia!

(and the 1.5 billion people in China who wont be reading this because I mention Democracy and the Tiananman Square Massacre of June 1989)

Now I pride myself on being bigoted and ignorant, but one thing I don’t do is tell other people what they can or can’t do. Sadly it has always been true that politics (like real estate) attracts fuckwits and narcisstic bullies.

Which brings me to Stephen Conroy the Minister for Broadband, Communications and the Digital Economy.

Instead of doing something about the ridiculously long time it takes to download streaming video, the lack of decent web access outside major cities and crippling lag when playing FPS games on OS servers, this delusional arsehole imagines that massive censorship of all free web content is an essential priority.

This self-righteous tool also voted against womens right to have access to the so-called “Morning After” pill RU-486, further evidence of his clucking, fascistic Big Brother attitude.

The Doctor already tolerates enough condescending bullshit from the corrupt and inept shitheel gangsters who run the NSW government. HANDS OFF !

The internet has always been a place of Anarchy and free speech and thats the way (ah-hah, ah-hah) I like it..

Witchdoctor License

Friday, January 22nd, 2010


Hello fellow earthlings!

If you happen to be one of the estimated* 1.2 million pigmentally challenged or “albino” people on the planet, you may thank your god that you don’t live in Tanzania.

The hair, limbs, internal organs and genitals of albino people are considered to be a potent magical ingredient for potions and amulets made by witchdoctors in this wacky african republic.

“A Tanzanian albino activist has evidence that killers acting for witch doctors are turning to cannibalism alongside their quest for lucrative body parts as magic charms.”
“Buyers from as far away as the Democratic Republic of Congo, Burundi, Kenya and Uganda believe the legs, genitals, eyes and hair of people with albinism can help them achieve instant wealth.”

“An albino hand is selling for two million shillings (£1,200),’ she said.”

“The murders are the result of seemingly conflicting beliefs spread by witch doctors, who are still consulted by many of Tanzania’s 40 million-strong population, that albinos are either cursed or have supernatural properties. Some fishermen believe that, if they weave the red hair from an albino into their nets, fish will be attracted by the golden glimmer. Miners for gold, rubies and tanzanite are reported to pay large sums for juju (magic) amulets, which they wear around their necks or strapped to their arms and which are made up with a potion mixed from albino body parts.”

The strangest part of this story is that the government has “threatened to revoke the licenses of witchdoctors who buy albino body parts.

So the government of Tanzania licenses witchdoctors?!
Is there a TAFE course you can do?

In the interest of a better deal for albinos everywhere, Doctor Maz is proud to offer you a License To Be A Witchdoctor.
simply print out the handsome certificate below, frame it and hang it on the wall of your home or office.

You will be delighted as your family and friends admire this printed evidence of your mastery of the Dark Arts. But remember – No killing albinos, OK?

* I just made this figure up.

Luke, I am your FATHER!

Saturday, July 11th, 2009


Darth Toaster

Well it really had to happen – the Darth Vader toaster. It even toasts the image of Lord Vaders’ face onto your bread.

If you get really scared or start to feel overwhelmed by the call of The Dark Side, simply spread your toast with Vegemite. Lord knows Vegemite has saved The Doctor from being taken over by The Dark Side on many mornings.

Box-Office Kiss-Of-Death

Monday, June 22nd, 2009


Just because you pretended to be somebody else in a movie doesn’t mean I wanna see you again and again in a hundred other movies, alright?
You are still an annoying, egotistical, deranged prat I don’t wanna see you in a movie at all.
YOU aren’t worth your multi-million dollar fee. To me, you are the Box-Office Kiss Of Death & I will not waste 14 bucks and 120 minutes of my life to watch you pull faces in front of a camera.

This means you:

Tom Cruise, Jack Black, Matt Damon, Jim Carey, Julia Roberts, Sandra Bullock, Sarah Jessica Parker, Tom Hanks, Ben Affleck.

MK ULTRA

Monday, June 8th, 2009


hypno-spiral

Oh, those whacky funsters at the CIA! When they were not toppling democratically elected Central American governments, or financing right-wing death squads, they found the time in the early 60s to dose unwitting Americans with LSD. Secret CIA mind control experiments seemed like a good idea, and after trying several compounds they decided to test giving unsuspecting staff and civilians LSD. The plan was hatched , and code-named MK ULTRA. Of course it soon became apparent to the victims of these “experiments” when they started hallucinating Cthulu looming in front of them in the street, or imagined they could fly and leapt out of windows to their demise.

Presumably they decided in the end that the best and most reliable method of mass mind control was already at their disposal – commercial television and pop music.