Greetings fellow earthlings!
Imagine if you had a drunken midget following you everywhere, babbling inanely, screaming and shitting in their pants. Now imagine if your parents were really pleased about this and encouraged you take another incontinent simpleton into your care.
Imagine a parasite growing inside your body sucking the life out of you until it bursts out of you, tearing apart your vagina in a hellish marathon of pain, suffering and blood!
Yes, of course I am referring to the miracle of childbirth.
Proud parents come over and show you photos of their horrible, reeking larvae, expecting you to share their enthusiasm for increasing the population of our already overburdened planet.
You don’t have the heart to tell them that the only value you can see in their spawn is as an inexpensive source of protein.
Get a cat.
Seriously, kittens are cuter & cleaner than babies and the neighbours won’t call the cops if you leave them at home while you go out at night to drink beer and listen to industrial metal.
Cats dont need nappies changed, spoon feeding and they won’t plot to murder you with shotguns to get their paws on the inheritance –
Next week: Doctor Maz wins more hearts with an explanation of why old people remind him of zombies…