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The Social Lubricant

Saturday, April 28th, 2012

Hola, amigos!

Booze is a many slandered thing.

Wowsers and health freaks have been trying for years (with some success) to demonise that most wondrous elixir – alcohol. I personally don’t suggest that you go out and drink like an Englishman until you get into a fist fight and wake up without your trousers in an alley covered in blood and vomit.


I am talking about the civilised drunken gathering that goes on for rather too long until everyone forgets about going to work the next day.
When you are in a bar everybody is more interesting, funnier and better looking. As the booze flows, so does the conversation, new acquaintances become friends and confidantes over a shared glass or three.
Music sounds better, greasy midnight kebabs taste like marvellous gourmet creations and any girl showing a bit of cleavage becomes a sexual magnet of Large Hadron Collider proportions.

If I go too long without a drink I start to hate all the other faceless selfish annoying people around me. I become convinced that they are all evil, moronic bastard scum who are scheming against me and all that is good in the world.

  The magical effect of booze puts everyone on the same level (too much = the floor) – it breaks down inhibitions and allows people to enjoy the kind of ill-advised random sexual encounters that would not happen in an alcohol-free world.

The Doctor prescribes you don’t attempt to drive home afterwards!

Good news, everyone!

Saturday, March 31st, 2012

What would you say if I told you that you don’t have to worry about your credit card debt or your mortgage anymore? Are you worried about losing your hair? Or your job? Or about your favourite band splitting up and them all embarking on embarassing solo careers?
Maybe you are worried about the irreversible loss of plant & animal species through human encroachment, or the pollution of the precious air and water?

Well you can just tip all your worries and cares about the future down the cosmic drain friends, because the good news is that soon we are all going to die.

The 1918 flu pandemic killed 100 million people. In only 12 months it spread across most of the world, all in an age before international air travel.
This flu strain had a mortality rate of only about 2%.

The Influenza virus A subtype H5N1 bird flu has a mortality rate of 75%, but is not transmissable between humans. Not until late last year when clever boffins at the Erasmus Medical Centre in The Netherlands and the University of Wisconson in the US  both managed to engineer a so-called Super Bug strain that is airborne transmissable like the common cold.

So, soon enough, either through a lab accident or an intentional act, this lethal baby will be well amongst us and we will all be dropping like flies.
Wonderously, our little blue-green planet and its’ fragile ecological balance may be spared at the last hour by a massive pandemic that will probably kill most of us and cause the collapse of the poisonous global economy that is destroying our beautiful, unique earth.
Reason to celebrate, I say!

And party like it’s 1999!

Charity begins at home

Thursday, March 8th, 2012

Greetings fellow earthings!

Many years ago when my judgement was manifestly impaired by living the wild bohemian life of a rock star, I foolishly made a commitment to send a monthly payment to a large international charity on behalf of a small African boy whose name I dont recall.

Soon my kids will be sponsoring that boys grandkids, and things haven’t really improved a lot in sub-Saharan Africa, have they? Now, I wish these people well and everything, but since when did they become my responsibility? There are millions of desperately poor people fucking everywhere on our little blue planet and the practical best I can do for most of them is to wish them a speedy and painless death.
If their parents had access to some condoms, they wouldn’t be in this mess, would they? Breeding your way out of poverty is kind of like spending your way out of debt. It might make you forget about the mess you are in for a little while, but in the end your arse is going to be even more thoroughly violated by satans enormous throbbing cock.

Charities have become expert at guilt-tripping you into giving them money, but very little of it ends up improving the lives of the poor bastards they claim to be helping. Last year that otherwise laughable tabloid the Daily Telegraph printed this handy chart on where your donations are spent, and the Labor goverment committed $53.6 million of our money over the next four years to set up a new independent regulator called the Australian Charities and Not-for-Profits Commission (ACNC).

You can change the world for the better, by starting in your own backyard.

If you are so inclined why not give your spare beer-money to a legitimate charity of your choice in the city you live in, then you may actually live to see the results of your do-gooding.

Be kind to your neighbours, take the time to talk and listen to lonely or elderly people that you know.

Be nice to each other, let people in line go ahead of you, give money to buskers, give blood, become an organ donor, don’t buy shit that you don’t need… and smile at people.

Problem solved, world saved.


MOVE it or lose it !

Tuesday, October 25th, 2011

Greetings disenfranchised youth!

As you may be aware, I love bacon. I don’t have any moral objection to eating tasty pig-flesh, but I do insist on free-range. Same goes for my eggs, chickens are sadly failures at being birds because they cant even fly, but even I find it disgraceful that they are largely forced to live in dirtier and more confined conditions than most uni students.

The MOVE organisation in Philadelphia in the mid eighties took their passion for animals rights to even more insane and pointless lengths than PETA. Led by their charismatic leader John Africa, the anarchist collective moved into a large apartment building where they loudly (with loud-speakers) denounced zoos and society in general for their mistreatment of animals.

The MOVE people were keen recyclers, but a bit lazy with the whole sorting cans and papers thing, so they just threw their rubbish and shit out the windows where it piled up outside creating an epic stench and a home for thousands of cockroaches, rats and other vermin which the MOVE members refused to kill on moral grounds.

Eventually their neighbours got sick of the noise and the scurrying of disease-laden vermin and the cops turned up to throw them out. A gun battle erupted and one fatality and 18 injuries later, the MOVE collective were forced out.

Several years later John Africa and his cohorts were up to their usual shennannigans at a new MOVE house in West Philadelephia. The cops were feeling a bit less tactful this time and after another confrontation and exchange of gunfire dropped a big fucking bomb from a helicopter onto the house at 6221 Osage Avenue, killing eleven people including John Africa, five other adults and five children. The resulting blaze spread out of control through the largely black neighbourhood and destroyed 65 adjacent houses.

So remember kids, don’t litter and always buy (or shoplift) free-range!