Archive for the ‘The Ugly’ Category

Invisible Friends and Feeling Good About Yourself

Friday, February 26th, 2016


Welcome back concerned citizens!

What if you were a member of a bikie gang and your comrades found out that you were molesting little kids?

Would they try to keep it quiet? (or kick you to death in a 7-11 parking lot?)

Maybe move you to a chapter in another town? (or take you out in the bush and make you dig your own grave?)

It’s fair to assume that there is more honour and justice in a group of tattooed outcasts than in organised religion. What delusion is society operating under that we tolerate this bullshit in the 21st century?

Religions and Charities are both colossal scams.

Churches, mosques and temples should not be getting an exemption from paying taxes, just because they are engaged in perpetuating their absurd superstitions.
If outlaw motorcycle clubs are specifically targeted by the police for some members engaging in illegal activities, then religious organisations should be targeted for some members raping children and randomly murdering civilians.
If the government had any balls, instead of pandering to the religious right-wing minority they would ban the spreading of this dangerous nonsense.

So-called charities should be stripped of their tax-exempt status if they cannot show that they are using their donations responsibly. The directors of any for-profit company would be lynched if they spent over half their income on administrative costs, yet these oily scammers routinely squander 40-60% of the money they extract from well-meaning people on themselves.

They are just rich beggars, sitting on a pile of cash while they urge you to dig deep in your own pocket for them.

You know those backpackers who pester you in shopping centres and in the city for “donations”? Those “paid collectors” personally keep fully 50% of the money you hand over to them.

So, say we donate $200 (of what you have left over after paying  our taxes) – they pocket $100 of that (for 8 pints of Guinness and a Happy Meal) later that day.

“G’day backpackers.”

Also, why are there hundreds of  cancer charities foundations instead of just one?

Would it not be more efficient to pool their resources if they were genuinely concerned with actually finding a cure instead of promoting themselves and there own self interest and vanity?

126,800 Australians were expected to die of cancer in 2015 – if the relatives of every single one of them started a new cancer charity that would be what we statisticians call “a fuck-load too many”.

See for yourself how much these crooks hypocritically line their own pockets below*.

http://australiancharities.acnc.gov.au/visualisations/explore-all-charities/

 

*Or just send your donations directly to Doctor Maz, and I promise to only keep 25% (and not fuck any kids).

Season Greetings!

Thursday, November 27th, 2014


Season Greetings non-retards!

As another year draws to a dismal close, there is an apparent epidemic of idiocy throughout the world and I am constantly either amused or disgusted, usually both at the same time.

If I see you reading the Daily Telegraph, you are obviously so afflicted with crippling stupidity that I wonder how you got together the $2 to buy it.
If you buy one of those stupid things that squirt bug spray/ air freshener/ germicidal liquid automatically in your home you are an especially vile kind of cretin, and a likely future Darwin Award winner. The air inside your house is fucking fine already, stupid. How can there be a market for idiscriminately spraying clouds of toxic chemicals where you eat, sleep and breathe?

We Australians like to think that we are all brave young ANZACs, crocodile hunters and sun-tanned steely-eyed lifesavers, but the reality in 2014 is a nation of flabby, ignorant, bigoted, petty, selfish arseholes.


How else could Rupert Murdoch have persuaded so many of us to elect a reptilian semi-human pommy wing-nut like TONY MOTHERFUCKING ABBOTT to ruin the country?

Our political spectrum has drifted so far to the right that even Pauline Fucking Hanson has popped up again as persistent (and welcome) as genital herpes.

Our beautiful planet is beset with dire problems due the avarice of a cabal of evil scumbags while fear and greed are used as dogwhistles to prod the masses to stumble moronically through their selfish, pointless existences as the riders of the apocalypse loom ever closer behind.

Instead of doing anything about it, we are busy obssessing about Kim Kardashians ridiculous elephantine arse, getting a new iphone, or writing unfunny,badly -formatted illiterate self-serving blog posts that nobody will bother to read (hi mum!).

Pull up a chair, crack open a beer as we sit back and watch the flailing empty-headed masses slide into the cosmic abyss, oblivious to everything except their final pointless facebook status updates.

Merry Christmas everyone!
The Doctor

Storm In An “A” Cup

Thursday, October 30th, 2014


Greetings fellow puritans!
Being a Doctor and a man renowned for his moral fibre, I had been thus far unaware of the recent popularity of the new craze of “fapping” among certain young people. Apparently this pastime often involves the viewing of questionable material involving young ladies in various states of undress.
Bewildered but consumed as usual by anthropological curiosity I asked one of my interns, Fingerless Joe to investigate and report back to me on this phenomenon. ( Fingerless Joe was once himself in the thrall of that evil vice known as masturbation until he lost all ten of his fingers to a nasty stage diving accident involving a 12 inch Zildjian splash cymbal at an all-ages punk/ $2 schooner night at the Manly Fishos Club in 2004)

The Australian Censorship Board (How is this even still a thing?!) decided a few years back that “images of small-breasted women” somehow/almost constituted child pornography and have therefore banned any images or movies containing them. Australians being an obedient lot, and not wanting the government to be burdened with the need to build hundreds of new prisons to punish all the offenders, we quietly accepted the wisdom of our betters.
Therefore ladies if you happen to have small breasts, I suggest only getting undressed in a darkened room lest you find yourself catching a glimpse of your own tidy morsels and slipping into degenerate or antisocial behaviour. If you are a man and your wife/girlfriend/sister/ mum/tinder date has anything less than a pair of solid “C” cup boobs, you may want to just take a plastic spoon and gouge out your own dirty rock-spider eyeballs before you incur the wrath of Those Who Watch Us All In Canberra.

Freedom Of Choice

Wednesday, June 27th, 2012


Human-Induced Climate-Change is a load of bullshit.

Right now you’re probably thinking that I have recently suffered a devastating head injury or am in the midst of a peyote-induced state of dementia – has The Doctor lost his marbles? Has one of the great minds of the 21st century turned to soggy Weetbix?

Of course not. I don’t really know for sure about Climate Change, and more importantly, 10 years ago I don’t think anyone would give a flying fuck about what a non-scientist thought about some other scientists hypothesis. Suddenly everyone is rabidly conforming to opinions or schools of thought that they have assimilated through the media, and are ready to ridicule or lynch anyone voicing dissenting opinions.

C’mon people!

I might as well confess to being a knuckle-dragging racist or a slavering, semen-encrusted child-molester as a Climate Change Skeptic.
It used to be considered a reasonable, brave and intelligent thing to be skeptical about religion, and what is Science but the New Religion of the psuedo-intelligentsia? The most valuable real estate you can own is the space between your ears, so think for yourself and try to at least tolerate the opinions of others.

Remember kids- live free, drink beer, listen to heavy metal music and

This Sporting Life

Wednesday, May 9th, 2012


You are all winners!


I hate professional sportspeople.
The vomit rises in my mouth whenever I see those red-faced knuckleheads grunting, sweating and pulling those ridiculous faces.

It’s so… undignified.
It makes me furious that my tax money funds the Fucking Institute Of Sport so these cretins can get really, really good at some glorified childrens amusement. Eventually these moronic parasites will get multi-million dollar sponsorship deals, and they will gleefully pocket the money and their hideous faces will be plastered across cereal boxes and billboards.

Battalions of nutritionists, physiotherapists and child-molesters provide around-the-clock care and training for these gormless, preening buffoons so they can see who can run the fastest, jump the highest, swim, skip and prance… well they’re not exactly finding a cure for cancer, are they?

The Doctor would like to remind you all that the only proper sports are those that involve firearms or motor vehicles.
Goodnight.

You are ALL special!

Monday, February 13th, 2012


Dr Maz welcomes the stars-of-tomorrow!


It seems that there are a multitude of new career options for young people these days, because apparently everyone has simultaneously decided (just like your mum told you) that You Are Special!

Despite being almost impossibly stupid you are passably good looking and an adroit liar?       Then the fabulous life of The Actor beckons you, with the promise of mindless adulation and unwarranted wealth! While you are slogging away at acting classes, you will pass your days as a barista until your Big Break comes and you go to Hollywood to finally wind up as an inexpensive prostitute as your dreams lie scattered around you like the discarded syringes and condom wrappers.

Perhaps you are a bit of a dab hand in the kitchen, whipping up cheese on toast for your flatmates after a hard night on the cask wine? The inexplicable rise of that most 21st century phenomenon, the Celebrity Chef means that practically anybody (who isnt an anorexic or a meth addict) can enjoy the prestige and cook-book/kitchen-aid royalties of showing lagubrious dullards your culinary skills on the idiot box and (for the semi-literate fans) in print.

Always wanted the decadent life of sex,drugs & rock n roll, but cant hold a tune or tune a guitar? Become a DJ! Just find some “quirky” headgear and think of a clever DJ name then stand behind your mums old record player with one hand cupped to your ear, nodding in time to someone-elses-records! Wow, you are a fucking genius! Can I get you some drugs and a head job?

Are you completely lacking in any discernible skill or talent but still want to shirk working for a living and be adored by millions?                                                                                                                    Be a Model! All you gotta do is just stand there! Or sit (while pouting) or if you are really “talented” – walk 10 metres, turn around and walk back (while scowling).

The Goddard Scale suggests that

a person with an IQ of 51-70 is considered to be a moron (Actors)

26-50 an imbecile (Celebrity Chefs & DJs)

and 0-25 an idiot (Models).

Of course while everyone in the western world is busy getting their 15 megabytes of fame there will be no-one left to be the dental hygienists, accountants, mechanics, city planners or monorail drivers and society will collapse, everybody on the stage and nobody in the audience.

Thats Show Business!