Storm In An “A” Cup

October 30th, 2014 by The Doctor

Greetings fellow puritans!
Being a Doctor and a man renowned for his moral fibre, I had been thus far unaware of the recent popularity of the new craze of “fapping” among certain young people. Apparently this pastime often involves the viewing of questionable material involving young ladies in various states of undress.
Bewildered but consumed as usual by anthropological curiosity I asked one of my interns, Fingerless Joe to investigate and report back to me on this phenomenon. ( Fingerless Joe was once himself in the thrall of that evil vice known as masturbation until he lost all ten of his fingers to a nasty stage diving accident involving a 12 inch Zildjian splash cymbal at an all-ages punk/ $2 schooner night at the Manly Fishos Club in 2004)

The Australian Censorship Board (How is this even still a thing?!) decided a few years back that “images of small-breasted women” somehow/almost constituted child pornography and have therefore banned any images or movies containing them. Australians being an obedient lot, and not wanting the government to be burdened with the need to build hundreds of new prisons to punish all the offenders, we quietly accepted the wisdom of our betters.
Therefore ladies if you happen to have small breasts, I suggest only getting undressed in a darkened room lest you find yourself catching a glimpse of your own tidy morsels and slipping into degenerate or antisocial behaviour. If you are a man and your wife/girlfriend/sister/ mum/tinder date has anything less than a pair of solid “C” cup boobs, you may want to just take a plastic spoon and gouge out your own dirty rock-spider eyeballs before you incur the wrath of Those Who Watch Us All In Canberra.

The Equatorial Redneck Theory

December 10th, 2013 by The Doctor

Seasons Greetings citizens!

The Southern states of the USA are forever tied with redneck ignorant political attitudes, in much the same way we here in the Wonderful Land of Oz remember the corruption, racism and general backwardness of the Northern Queensland reign of Premier Joh Bjelke-Peterson and his cronies.

What is it about proximity to the equator and stupidity and bigotry? Is it the relentless heat, beating down on your reddening neck?

Now Queensland premier and former army major Campbell Newman is goose-stepping all over the rights of Bannana-benders, under the always handy excuse of “Cracking Down On Crime”.

I don’t know about you, but if I was involved in a criminal enterprise with a bunch of friends the absolute last thing we would do is all wear a uniform identifying us as members of that gang and travel together everywhere using the noisiest, most attention-attracting mode of transport. It’s not like Batman, where all the Penguins goons wear matching outfits and it takes the cops about .0001 of a second who figure out who robbed the bank using umbrella-guns.

So while Fuehrer Noddy Newman is grabbing media attention making all the bikers feel unwelcome in their home state, he can get back to fracking the shit out of the water table and erecting casinos or whatever dodgy schemes these hypocritical douche-bags get up to.

Like the pesky cane-toad this condescending, authoritarian bullshit creeps south of the border as Canberra and NSW are infested with ever more conservative right-wing arse-clowns and the systemic rape of the earth beneath our feet continues in an orgy of profit-grabbing, and the unique flora and fauna of the “Lucky Country” slip away forever.

The amusingly named “environment minister” just approved one of the worlds largest coal ports right next to the Great Barrier Reef!

And more coal-seam gas fracking!

Merry Christmas Australians!


Spill Your Seed

January 31st, 2013 by The Doctor

Hello again, Breeders!

It’s 2013. The world teeters on the edge of a precipice, overpopulation marginalises thousands of unique species of plant & animal. The relentless plague of humanity devours and despoils every finite resource, soon the earth will be calling last drinks for a party that started around the time of the industrial revolution and has now spiralled out of control.

What is a responsible government to do?

Baby bonus! Back-to school bonus! Have-a-few-more-fuckin-kids-why-dont-ya bonus!

Take hard-earned money from Australians who are not furiously breeding like erotomaniacal rabbits and give it to every fucking idiot who is too selfish or deluded to curb their retarded lust to procreate!

I have no opposition to everyone enjoying their sexuality – you should all go out and fornicate in a non-stop, insane, psychedelic sexual frenzy, but for C’thulus’ sake, dont have any more children. If you really must breed, have only one or two – replacement value.
Better still, use protection. Or shoot your seed somewhere it wont take root.
The future is here and it’s not looking pretty.
As my friend & colleague Doug Stanhope said ” Sodomy is green, and abortion is environmentally friendly.”


Freedom Of Choice

June 27th, 2012 by The Doctor

Human-Induced Climate-Change is a load of bullshit.

Right now you’re probably thinking that I have recently suffered a devastating head injury or am in the midst of a peyote-induced state of dementia – has The Doctor lost his marbles? Has one of the great minds of the 21st century turned to soggy Weetbix?

Of course not. I don’t really know for sure about Climate Change, and more importantly, 10 years ago I don’t think anyone would give a flying fuck about what a non-scientist thought about some other scientists hypothesis. Suddenly everyone is rabidly conforming to opinions or schools of thought that they have assimilated through the media, and are ready to ridicule or lynch anyone voicing dissenting opinions.

C’mon people!

I might as well confess to being a knuckle-dragging racist or a slavering, semen-encrusted child-molester as a Climate Change Skeptic.
It used to be considered a reasonable, brave and intelligent thing to be skeptical about religion, and what is Science but the New Religion of the psuedo-intelligentsia? The most valuable real estate you can own is the space between your ears, so think for yourself and try to at least tolerate the opinions of others.

Remember kids- live free, drink beer, listen to heavy metal music and

This Sporting Life

May 9th, 2012 by The Doctor

You are all winners!

I hate professional sportspeople.
The vomit rises in my mouth whenever I see those red-faced knuckleheads grunting, sweating and pulling those ridiculous faces.

It’s so… undignified.
It makes me furious that my tax money funds the Fucking Institute Of Sport so these cretins can get really, really good at some glorified childrens amusement. Eventually these moronic parasites will get multi-million dollar sponsorship deals, and they will gleefully pocket the money and their hideous faces will be plastered across cereal boxes and billboards.

Battalions of nutritionists, physiotherapists and child-molesters provide around-the-clock care and training for these gormless, preening buffoons so they can see who can run the fastest, jump the highest, swim, skip and prance… well they’re not exactly finding a cure for cancer, are they?

The Doctor would like to remind you all that the only proper sports are those that involve firearms or motor vehicles.

The Social Lubricant

April 28th, 2012 by The Doctor

Hola, amigos!

Booze is a many slandered thing.

Wowsers and health freaks have been trying for years (with some success) to demonise that most wondrous elixir – alcohol. I personally don’t suggest that you go out and drink like an Englishman until you get into a fist fight and wake up without your trousers in an alley covered in blood and vomit.


I am talking about the civilised drunken gathering that goes on for rather too long until everyone forgets about going to work the next day.
When you are in a bar everybody is more interesting, funnier and better looking. As the booze flows, so does the conversation, new acquaintances become friends and confidantes over a shared glass or three.
Music sounds better, greasy midnight kebabs taste like marvellous gourmet creations and any girl showing a bit of cleavage becomes a sexual magnet of Large Hadron Collider proportions.

If I go too long without a drink I start to hate all the other faceless selfish annoying people around me. I become convinced that they are all evil, moronic bastard scum who are scheming against me and all that is good in the world.

  The magical effect of booze puts everyone on the same level (too much = the floor) – it breaks down inhibitions and allows people to enjoy the kind of ill-advised random sexual encounters that would not happen in an alcohol-free world.

The Doctor prescribes you don’t attempt to drive home afterwards!

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