Spill Your Seed

January 31st, 2013 by The Doctor

Hello again, Breeders!

It’s 2013. The world teeters on the edge of a precipice, overpopulation marginalises thousands of unique species of plant & animal. The relentless plague of humanity devours and despoils every finite resource, soon the earth will be calling last drinks for a party that started around the time of the industrial revolution and has now spiralled out of control.

What is a responsible government to do?

Baby bonus! Back-to school bonus! Have-a-few-more-fuckin-kids-why-dont-ya bonus!

Take hard-earned money from Australians who are not furiously breeding like erotomaniacal rabbits and give it to every fucking idiot who is too selfish or deluded to curb their retarded lust to procreate!

I have no opposition to everyone enjoying their sexuality – you should all go out and fornicate in a non-stop, insane, psychedelic sexual frenzy, but for C’thulus’ sake, dont have any more children. If you really must breed, have only one or two – replacement value.
Better still, use protection. Or shoot your seed somewhere it wont take root.
The future is here and it’s not looking pretty.
As my friend & colleague Doug Stanhope said ” Sodomy is green, and abortion is environmentally friendly.”


Freedom Of Choice

June 27th, 2012 by The Doctor

Human-Induced Climate-Change is a load of bullshit.

Right now you’re probably thinking that I have recently suffered a devastating head injury or am in the midst of a peyote-induced state of dementia – has The Doctor lost his marbles? Has one of the great minds of the 21st century turned to soggy Weetbix?

Of course not. I don’t really know for sure about Climate Change, and more importantly, 10 years ago I don’t think anyone would give a flying fuck about what a non-scientist thought about some other scientists hypothesis. Suddenly everyone is rabidly conforming to opinions or schools of thought that they have assimilated through the media, and are ready to ridicule or lynch anyone voicing dissenting opinions.

C’mon people!

I might as well confess to being a knuckle-dragging racist or a slavering, semen-encrusted child-molester as a Climate Change Skeptic.
It used to be considered a reasonable, brave and intelligent thing to be skeptical about religion, and what is Science but the New Religion of the psuedo-intelligentsia? The most valuable real estate you can own is the space between your ears, so think for yourself and try to at least tolerate the opinions of others.

Remember kids- live free, drink beer, listen to heavy metal music and

This Sporting Life

May 9th, 2012 by The Doctor

You are all winners!

I hate professional sportspeople.
The vomit rises in my mouth whenever I see those red-faced knuckleheads grunting, sweating and pulling those ridiculous faces.

It’s so… undignified.
It makes me furious that my tax money funds the Fucking Institute Of Sport so these cretins can get really, really good at some glorified childrens amusement. Eventually these moronic parasites will get multi-million dollar sponsorship deals, and they will gleefully pocket the money and their hideous faces will be plastered across cereal boxes and billboards.

Battalions of nutritionists, physiotherapists and child-molesters provide around-the-clock care and training for these gormless, preening buffoons so they can see who can run the fastest, jump the highest, swim, skip and prance… well they’re not exactly finding a cure for cancer, are they?

The Doctor would like to remind you all that the only proper sports are those that involve firearms or motor vehicles.

The Social Lubricant

April 28th, 2012 by The Doctor

Hola, amigos!

Booze is a many slandered thing.

Wowsers and health freaks have been trying for years (with some success) to demonise that most wondrous elixir – alcohol. I personally don’t suggest that you go out and drink like an Englishman until you get into a fist fight and wake up without your trousers in an alley covered in blood and vomit.


I am talking about the civilised drunken gathering that goes on for rather too long until everyone forgets about going to work the next day.
When you are in a bar everybody is more interesting, funnier and better looking. As the booze flows, so does the conversation, new acquaintances become friends and confidantes over a shared glass or three.
Music sounds better, greasy midnight kebabs taste like marvellous gourmet creations and any girl showing a bit of cleavage becomes a sexual magnet of Large Hadron Collider proportions.

If I go too long without a drink I start to hate all the other faceless selfish annoying people around me. I become convinced that they are all evil, moronic bastard scum who are scheming against me and all that is good in the world.

  The magical effect of booze puts everyone on the same level (too much = the floor) – it breaks down inhibitions and allows people to enjoy the kind of ill-advised random sexual encounters that would not happen in an alcohol-free world.

The Doctor prescribes you don’t attempt to drive home afterwards!

Good news, everyone!

March 31st, 2012 by The Doctor

What would you say if I told you that you don’t have to worry about your credit card debt or your mortgage anymore? Are you worried about losing your hair? Or your job? Or about your favourite band splitting up and them all embarking on embarassing solo careers?
Maybe you are worried about the irreversible loss of plant & animal species through human encroachment, or the pollution of the precious air and water?

Well you can just tip all your worries and cares about the future down the cosmic drain friends, because the good news is that soon we are all going to die.

The 1918 flu pandemic killed 100 million people. In only 12 months it spread across most of the world, all in an age before international air travel.
This flu strain had a mortality rate of only about 2%.

The Influenza virus A subtype H5N1 bird flu has a mortality rate of 75%, but is not transmissable between humans. Not until late last year when clever boffins at the Erasmus Medical Centre in The Netherlands and the University of Wisconson in the US  both managed to engineer a so-called Super Bug strain that is airborne transmissable like the common cold.

So, soon enough, either through a lab accident or an intentional act, this lethal baby will be well amongst us and we will all be dropping like flies.
Wonderously, our little blue-green planet and its’ fragile ecological balance may be spared at the last hour by a massive pandemic that will probably kill most of us and cause the collapse of the poisonous global economy that is destroying our beautiful, unique earth.
Reason to celebrate, I say!

And party like it’s 1999!

Charity begins at home

March 8th, 2012 by The Doctor

Greetings fellow earthings!

Many years ago when my judgement was manifestly impaired by living the wild bohemian life of a rock star, I foolishly made a commitment to send a monthly payment to a large international charity on behalf of a small African boy whose name I dont recall.

Soon my kids will be sponsoring that boys grandkids, and things haven’t really improved a lot in sub-Saharan Africa, have they? Now, I wish these people well and everything, but since when did they become my responsibility? There are millions of desperately poor people fucking everywhere on our little blue planet and the practical best I can do for most of them is to wish them a speedy and painless death.
If their parents had access to some condoms, they wouldn’t be in this mess, would they? Breeding your way out of poverty is kind of like spending your way out of debt. It might make you forget about the mess you are in for a little while, but in the end your arse is going to be even more thoroughly violated by satans enormous throbbing cock.

Charities have become expert at guilt-tripping you into giving them money, but very little of it ends up improving the lives of the poor bastards they claim to be helping. Last year that otherwise laughable tabloid the Daily Telegraph printed this handy chart on where your donations are spent, and the Labor goverment committed $53.6 million of our money over the next four years to set up a new independent regulator called the Australian Charities and Not-for-Profits Commission (ACNC).

You can change the world for the better, by starting in your own backyard.

If you are so inclined why not give your spare beer-money to a legitimate charity of your choice in the city you live in, then you may actually live to see the results of your do-gooding.

Be kind to your neighbours, take the time to talk and listen to lonely or elderly people that you know.

Be nice to each other, let people in line go ahead of you, give money to buskers, give blood, become an organ donor, don’t buy shit that you don’t need… and smile at people.

Problem solved, world saved.


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