You are ALL special!

February 13th, 2012 by The Doctor


Dr Maz welcomes the stars-of-tomorrow!


It seems that there are a multitude of new career options for young people these days, because apparently everyone has simultaneously decided (just like your mum told you) that You Are Special!

Despite being almost impossibly stupid you are passably good looking and an adroit liar?       Then the fabulous life of The Actor beckons you, with the promise of mindless adulation and unwarranted wealth! While you are slogging away at acting classes, you will pass your days as a barista until your Big Break comes and you go to Hollywood to finally wind up as an inexpensive prostitute as your dreams lie scattered around you like the discarded syringes and condom wrappers.

Perhaps you are a bit of a dab hand in the kitchen, whipping up cheese on toast for your flatmates after a hard night on the cask wine? The inexplicable rise of that most 21st century phenomenon, the Celebrity Chef means that practically anybody (who isnt an anorexic or a meth addict) can enjoy the prestige and cook-book/kitchen-aid royalties of showing lagubrious dullards your culinary skills on the idiot box and (for the semi-literate fans) in print.

Always wanted the decadent life of sex,drugs & rock n roll, but cant hold a tune or tune a guitar? Become a DJ! Just find some “quirky” headgear and think of a clever DJ name then stand behind your mums old record player with one hand cupped to your ear, nodding in time to someone-elses-records! Wow, you are a fucking genius! Can I get you some drugs and a head job?

Are you completely lacking in any discernible skill or talent but still want to shirk working for a living and be adored by millions?                                                                                                                    Be a Model! All you gotta do is just stand there! Or sit (while pouting) or if you are really “talented” – walk 10 metres, turn around and walk back (while scowling).

The Goddard Scale suggests that

a person with an IQ of 51-70 is considered to be a moron (Actors)

26-50 an imbecile (Celebrity Chefs & DJs)

and 0-25 an idiot (Models).

Of course while everyone in the western world is busy getting their 15 megabytes of fame there will be no-one left to be the dental hygienists, accountants, mechanics, city planners or monorail drivers and society will collapse, everybody on the stage and nobody in the audience.

Thats Show Business!

The Cult Of Personality

December 21st, 2011 by The Doctor


Greetings adoring masses!

The golf world is lamenting the passing of the astonishing Kim Jong Il, who during his first ever round (according to his official biography) scored 11 holes-in-one, and finished 38 under par!

The fun-filled document informs us he also invented the hamburger, never defecated and could control the weather with his moods.

North Koreas “Dear Leader” apparently also bowled a perfect 300 his first attempt at ten-pin bowling and holds the world record high score for Donkey Kong (though I may have made that last one up).

I guess we can look forward to lots of heroic statues of Vladimir Putin the extremely long-serving popularly-elected absolute ruler of Russia popping up like mushrooms after the rain soon.

The former KGB chief romped home in recent democratic elections there with a convincing 153% of the vote.

 

 

This year we saw Muammar Gaddafi sent off with a stick up the arse and a burst of Ak-47 fire from his somehow ungrateful citizens, and our own NSW Labor goverment sent packing with only their fat parliamentary pensions and new “advisory” jobs with their kleptomaniacal business cronies.


Guess it’s time to crack open another bottle of Dr Maz’s Patented 100 Proof Brain & Third Eye Tonic and sing along to Carols By Candlelight on the telly…

MOVE it or lose it !

October 25th, 2011 by The Doctor


Greetings disenfranchised youth!

As you may be aware, I love bacon. I don’t have any moral objection to eating tasty pig-flesh, but I do insist on free-range. Same goes for my eggs, chickens are sadly failures at being birds because they cant even fly, but even I find it disgraceful that they are largely forced to live in dirtier and more confined conditions than most uni students.

The MOVE organisation in Philadelphia in the mid eighties took their passion for animals rights to even more insane and pointless lengths than PETA. Led by their charismatic leader John Africa, the anarchist collective moved into a large apartment building where they loudly (with loud-speakers) denounced zoos and society in general for their mistreatment of animals.

The MOVE people were keen recyclers, but a bit lazy with the whole sorting cans and papers thing, so they just threw their rubbish and shit out the windows where it piled up outside creating an epic stench and a home for thousands of cockroaches, rats and other vermin which the MOVE members refused to kill on moral grounds.

Eventually their neighbours got sick of the noise and the scurrying of disease-laden vermin and the cops turned up to throw them out. A gun battle erupted and one fatality and 18 injuries later, the MOVE collective were forced out.

Several years later John Africa and his cohorts were up to their usual shennannigans at a new MOVE house in West Philadelephia. The cops were feeling a bit less tactful this time and after another confrontation and exchange of gunfire dropped a big fucking bomb from a helicopter onto the house at 6221 Osage Avenue, killing eleven people including John Africa, five other adults and five children. The resulting blaze spread out of control through the largely black neighbourhood and destroyed 65 adjacent houses.

So remember kids, don’t litter and always buy (or shoplift) free-range!

The Unkindest Cut

October 15th, 2011 by The Doctor


Welcome back, Kulture Vultures!

I have a brilliant idea.

When a baby girl is born we should just cut off her labia!

No anaesthetic. Snip! Snip!

Its much more hygenic, looks better and The Flying Spaghetti Monster told me to do it.

 

Why does The Flying Spaghetti Monster want me to do this? Because  I am special and my children are special. You should all really do it too!
The Flying Spaghetti Monster and I were having a chat the other day and he said to me,  “you know, Doctor Maz, you are a great guy and if you could see your way through to disfiguring the genitals of your female children that would let me know that you really love me.”

I am sure that it would make those special naughty bits easier to clean and reduce the risk of cancer of the labia in much the same way as removing your toes would stop you getting tinea. It would look great and soon catch on to the point where everyone would be doing it to their helpless infants without even blinking.

If you really feel that God wants you to mutilate the genitals of your children, why dont you wait until they are, say twenty one and let them decide if they want to be circumcised?
Imagine being at your 21st party, after you’ve smoked a couple of bongs and drank your own body weight in beer, then out come the scissors and the gaffa tape.

“So, are you sure you wanna go through with this, dude? ”

Get a cat. Seriously.

September 18th, 2011 by The Doctor


Greetings fellow earthlings!

Imagine if you had a drunken midget following you everywhere, babbling inanely, screaming and shitting in their pants. Now imagine if your parents were really pleased about this and encouraged you take another incontinent simpleton into your care.

Imagine a parasite growing inside your body sucking the life out of you until it bursts out of you, tearing apart your vagina in a hellish marathon of pain, suffering and blood!

Yes, of course I am referring to the miracle of childbirth.

 

 

 

 

 

Proud parents come over and show you photos of their horrible, reeking larvae, expecting you to share their enthusiasm for increasing the population of our already overburdened planet.

You don’t have the heart to tell them that the only value you can see in their spawn is as an inexpensive source of protein.

Get a cat.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seriously, kittens are cuter & cleaner than babies and the neighbours won’t call the cops if you leave them at home while you go out at night to drink beer and listen to industrial metal.

Cats dont need nappies changed, spoon feeding and they won’t plot to murder you with shotguns to get their paws on the inheritance –

(Hello Menendez brothers!)

 

 

 

 

 

Next week: Doctor Maz wins more hearts with an explanation of why old people remind him of zombies…

Keeping It “In The Family”

September 15th, 2011 by The Doctor


Greetings Breeders!

Remember when you were 14 and you had that really hot-looking older cousin who you secretly fancied? Now imagine the horror that can be wrought on the fruit of your lustful loins when you plant your seed too close to the fence – your incestuous offspring a stunted, pitiful, malformed, amoral monster (kinda like Alex Perry).

The Hapsburg royal clan liked to keep the money and the power in the family, and so embarked on a 100 year spree of inbreeding – uncles marrying neices, first cousins marrying cousins. Which led to the inevitable – Charles II of Spain.


Charles had a mis-shapen jaw that protruded further than Quentin Tarantinos, so much so that he was unable to chew, and therefore missed out on the minty freshness of chewing gum (if it had been invented in the late 16th century.)

He was so retarded that he could have been a Greens MP, so short that he could have been a TV weatherman, and was prone to fits and seizures.

Naturally, someone so pitifully afflicted would not be considered a “good catch”, even in those times, but being The Freaking King, two marriages were “arranged” for him. Wife number one was by all acounts a beautiful and clever woman named Marie Louise d’ Orleans, who was not a close relation. She endured ten years of depressing matrimony to Charles before escaping the marriage by dying.

A second wife was enlisted to attempt to produce an heir, but after marathon sessions of mind-numbingly awful sex, it was realised that poor drooling Charles was shooting blanks and the horrible genetic experiment ended when he died in 1700, mercifully childless.


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