Good news, everyone!

March 31st, 2012 by The Doctor


What would you say if I told you that you don’t have to worry about your credit card debt or your mortgage anymore? Are you worried about losing your hair? Or your job? Or about your favourite band splitting up and them all embarking on embarassing solo careers?
Maybe you are worried about the irreversible loss of plant & animal species through human encroachment, or the pollution of the precious air and water?

Well you can just tip all your worries and cares about the future down the cosmic drain friends, because the good news is that soon we are all going to die.

The 1918 flu pandemic killed 100 million people. In only 12 months it spread across most of the world, all in an age before international air travel.
This flu strain had a mortality rate of only about 2%.

The Influenza virus A subtype H5N1 bird flu has a mortality rate of 75%, but is not transmissable between humans. Not until late last year when clever boffins at the Erasmus Medical Centre in The Netherlands and the University of Wisconson in the US  both managed to engineer a so-called Super Bug strain that is airborne transmissable like the common cold.

So, soon enough, either through a lab accident or an intentional act, this lethal baby will be well amongst us and we will all be dropping like flies.
Wonderously, our little blue-green planet and its’ fragile ecological balance may be spared at the last hour by a massive pandemic that will probably kill most of us and cause the collapse of the poisonous global economy that is destroying our beautiful, unique earth.
Reason to celebrate, I say!

And party like it’s 1999!

Charity begins at home

March 8th, 2012 by The Doctor


Greetings fellow earthings!

Many years ago when my judgement was manifestly impaired by living the wild bohemian life of a rock star, I foolishly made a commitment to send a monthly payment to a large international charity on behalf of a small African boy whose name I dont recall.

Soon my kids will be sponsoring that boys grandkids, and things haven’t really improved a lot in sub-Saharan Africa, have they? Now, I wish these people well and everything, but since when did they become my responsibility? There are millions of desperately poor people fucking everywhere on our little blue planet and the practical best I can do for most of them is to wish them a speedy and painless death.
If their parents had access to some condoms, they wouldn’t be in this mess, would they? Breeding your way out of poverty is kind of like spending your way out of debt. It might make you forget about the mess you are in for a little while, but in the end your arse is going to be even more thoroughly violated by satans enormous throbbing cock.

Charities have become expert at guilt-tripping you into giving them money, but very little of it ends up improving the lives of the poor bastards they claim to be helping. Last year that otherwise laughable tabloid the Daily Telegraph printed this handy chart on where your donations are spent, and the Labor goverment committed $53.6 million of our money over the next four years to set up a new independent regulator called the Australian Charities and Not-for-Profits Commission (ACNC).

You can change the world for the better, by starting in your own backyard.

If you are so inclined why not give your spare beer-money to a legitimate charity of your choice in the city you live in, then you may actually live to see the results of your do-gooding.

Be kind to your neighbours, take the time to talk and listen to lonely or elderly people that you know.

Be nice to each other, let people in line go ahead of you, give money to buskers, give blood, become an organ donor, don’t buy shit that you don’t need… and smile at people.

Problem solved, world saved.

Next!

You are ALL special!

February 13th, 2012 by The Doctor


Dr Maz welcomes the stars-of-tomorrow!


It seems that there are a multitude of new career options for young people these days, because apparently everyone has simultaneously decided (just like your mum told you) that You Are Special!

Despite being almost impossibly stupid you are passably good looking and an adroit liar?       Then the fabulous life of The Actor beckons you, with the promise of mindless adulation and unwarranted wealth! While you are slogging away at acting classes, you will pass your days as a barista until your Big Break comes and you go to Hollywood to finally wind up as an inexpensive prostitute as your dreams lie scattered around you like the discarded syringes and condom wrappers.

Perhaps you are a bit of a dab hand in the kitchen, whipping up cheese on toast for your flatmates after a hard night on the cask wine? The inexplicable rise of that most 21st century phenomenon, the Celebrity Chef means that practically anybody (who isnt an anorexic or a meth addict) can enjoy the prestige and cook-book/kitchen-aid royalties of showing lagubrious dullards your culinary skills on the idiot box and (for the semi-literate fans) in print.

Always wanted the decadent life of sex,drugs & rock n roll, but cant hold a tune or tune a guitar? Become a DJ! Just find some “quirky” headgear and think of a clever DJ name then stand behind your mums old record player with one hand cupped to your ear, nodding in time to someone-elses-records! Wow, you are a fucking genius! Can I get you some drugs and a head job?

Are you completely lacking in any discernible skill or talent but still want to shirk working for a living and be adored by millions?                                                                                                                    Be a Model! All you gotta do is just stand there! Or sit (while pouting) or if you are really “talented” – walk 10 metres, turn around and walk back (while scowling).

The Goddard Scale suggests that

a person with an IQ of 51-70 is considered to be a moron (Actors)

26-50 an imbecile (Celebrity Chefs & DJs)

and 0-25 an idiot (Models).

Of course while everyone in the western world is busy getting their 15 megabytes of fame there will be no-one left to be the dental hygienists, accountants, mechanics, city planners or monorail drivers and society will collapse, everybody on the stage and nobody in the audience.

Thats Show Business!

The Cult Of Personality

December 21st, 2011 by The Doctor


Greetings adoring masses!

The golf world is lamenting the passing of the astonishing Kim Jong Il, who during his first ever round (according to his official biography) scored 11 holes-in-one, and finished 38 under par!

The fun-filled document informs us he also invented the hamburger, never defecated and could control the weather with his moods.

North Koreas “Dear Leader” apparently also bowled a perfect 300 his first attempt at ten-pin bowling and holds the world record high score for Donkey Kong (though I may have made that last one up).

I guess we can look forward to lots of heroic statues of Vladimir Putin the extremely long-serving popularly-elected absolute ruler of Russia popping up like mushrooms after the rain soon.

The former KGB chief romped home in recent democratic elections there with a convincing 153% of the vote.

 

 

This year we saw Muammar Gaddafi sent off with a stick up the arse and a burst of Ak-47 fire from his somehow ungrateful citizens, and our own NSW Labor goverment sent packing with only their fat parliamentary pensions and new “advisory” jobs with their kleptomaniacal business cronies.


Guess it’s time to crack open another bottle of Dr Maz’s Patented 100 Proof Brain & Third Eye Tonic and sing along to Carols By Candlelight on the telly…

MOVE it or lose it !

October 25th, 2011 by The Doctor


Greetings disenfranchised youth!

As you may be aware, I love bacon. I don’t have any moral objection to eating tasty pig-flesh, but I do insist on free-range. Same goes for my eggs, chickens are sadly failures at being birds because they cant even fly, but even I find it disgraceful that they are largely forced to live in dirtier and more confined conditions than most uni students.

The MOVE organisation in Philadelphia in the mid eighties took their passion for animals rights to even more insane and pointless lengths than PETA. Led by their charismatic leader John Africa, the anarchist collective moved into a large apartment building where they loudly (with loud-speakers) denounced zoos and society in general for their mistreatment of animals.

The MOVE people were keen recyclers, but a bit lazy with the whole sorting cans and papers thing, so they just threw their rubbish and shit out the windows where it piled up outside creating an epic stench and a home for thousands of cockroaches, rats and other vermin which the MOVE members refused to kill on moral grounds.

Eventually their neighbours got sick of the noise and the scurrying of disease-laden vermin and the cops turned up to throw them out. A gun battle erupted and one fatality and 18 injuries later, the MOVE collective were forced out.

Several years later John Africa and his cohorts were up to their usual shennannigans at a new MOVE house in West Philadelephia. The cops were feeling a bit less tactful this time and after another confrontation and exchange of gunfire dropped a big fucking bomb from a helicopter onto the house at 6221 Osage Avenue, killing eleven people including John Africa, five other adults and five children. The resulting blaze spread out of control through the largely black neighbourhood and destroyed 65 adjacent houses.

So remember kids, don’t litter and always buy (or shoplift) free-range!

The Unkindest Cut

October 15th, 2011 by The Doctor


Welcome back, Kulture Vultures!

I have a brilliant idea.

When a baby girl is born we should just cut off her labia!

No anaesthetic. Snip! Snip!

Its much more hygenic, looks better and The Flying Spaghetti Monster told me to do it.

 

Why does The Flying Spaghetti Monster want me to do this? Because  I am special and my children are special. You should all really do it too!
The Flying Spaghetti Monster and I were having a chat the other day and he said to me,  “you know, Doctor Maz, you are a great guy and if you could see your way through to disfiguring the genitals of your female children that would let me know that you really love me.”

I am sure that it would make those special naughty bits easier to clean and reduce the risk of cancer of the labia in much the same way as removing your toes would stop you getting tinea. It would look great and soon catch on to the point where everyone would be doing it to their helpless infants without even blinking.

If you really feel that God wants you to mutilate the genitals of your children, why dont you wait until they are, say twenty one and let them decide if they want to be circumcised?
Imagine being at your 21st party, after you’ve smoked a couple of bongs and drank your own body weight in beer, then out come the scissors and the gaffa tape.

“So, are you sure you wanna go through with this, dude? ”


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