Conservative Religious Arse-hats attack The Arts again, sigh…

April 26th, 2011 by The Doctor

Welcome back fellow time-travellers!*

The Sydney Morning Herald reports the unsettling news that:

Artists could be forced to have their work classified before being displayed and some work could be blacklisted despite being legal, if recommendations to a federal inquiry into Australia’s film and literature classification scheme are accepted.

The Senate inquiry, launched by the conservative Christian Guy Barnett, has heard submissions calling for

any film containing full frontal nudity to be refused classification;

artworks and books showing nudity to be classified;

and all artworks to be restricted to certain age groups.

”Artistic merit” should be abandoned when classifying art.”

Senator Guy Barnett

hails from the Apple Isle of Tasmania, where he tried unsuccessfully to

prevent the decriminalisation of homosexuality in that state ( Poofters should be locked up!)

He also opposes stem-cell research (darn satanic science!),

a womans’ right to choose to have an abortion (get back in the kitchen!),

and he also wants to censor the internet (suprise, surprise).

The Doctor Maz Politician Rating System

advises that Senator Guy Barnett

has been rated



*Moving forward in time at a rate of 60 seconds per minute.

Whats In A Name?

March 31st, 2010 by The Doctor

Greeting fellow travellers in cyberspace!

If you want punters to come and hear how awesome your band is, you gotta think of a catchy name.
Personally, I went for NUDE FOR SATAN. It’s snappy, ridiculous and sleazy (just like my music).

If you really want to pack out the pub when you hit the stage how would posters advertising
FREE BEER! or COCK HUNGRY TEENS! work out for you? Pretty good turn out, I should think!
Yeah, some people would probably be a bit disappointed when they pay their five bucks, get their wrists stamped, wander into the bar and find out that its just a smart-arse band name?

Back in the dawn of time, there used to be an art/noise/punk band that played in the inner city called THE SLUGFUCKERS. Apparently they could hardly play their instruments at all, never rehearsed and just screamed gibberish and obscenities for about 20 minutes above the din they generated.
A deliberately offensive stupid band name, volume triumphing over technical ability & the balls to get out there and entertain regardless.

Dr Maz salutes you SLUGFUCKERS !


Viva Anarchy!

January 27th, 2010 by The Doctor

Greeting fellow citizens of our mighty Commonwealth of Australia!

(and the 1.5 billion people in China who wont be reading this because I mention Democracy and the Tiananman Square Massacre of June 1989)

Now I pride myself on being bigoted and ignorant, but one thing I don’t do is tell other people what they can or can’t do. Sadly it has always been true that politics (like real estate) attracts fuckwits and narcisstic bullies.

Which brings me to Stephen Conroy the Minister for Broadband, Communications and the Digital Economy.

Instead of doing something about the ridiculously long time it takes to download streaming video, the lack of decent web access outside major cities and crippling lag when playing FPS games on OS servers, this delusional arsehole imagines that massive censorship of all free web content is an essential priority.

This self-righteous tool also voted against womens right to have access to the so-called “Morning After” pill RU-486, further evidence of his clucking, fascistic Big Brother attitude.

The Doctor already tolerates enough condescending bullshit from the corrupt and inept shitheel gangsters who run the NSW government. HANDS OFF !

The internet has always been a place of Anarchy and free speech and thats the way (ah-hah, ah-hah) I like it..

Witchdoctor License

January 22nd, 2010 by The Doctor

Hello fellow earthlings!

If you happen to be one of the estimated* 1.2 million pigmentally challenged or “albino” people on the planet, you may thank your god that you don’t live in Tanzania.

The hair, limbs, internal organs and genitals of albino people are considered to be a potent magical ingredient for potions and amulets made by witchdoctors in this wacky african republic.

“A Tanzanian albino activist has evidence that killers acting for witch doctors are turning to cannibalism alongside their quest for lucrative body parts as magic charms.”
“Buyers from as far away as the Democratic Republic of Congo, Burundi, Kenya and Uganda believe the legs, genitals, eyes and hair of people with albinism can help them achieve instant wealth.”

“An albino hand is selling for two million shillings (£1,200),’ she said.”

“The murders are the result of seemingly conflicting beliefs spread by witch doctors, who are still consulted by many of Tanzania’s 40 million-strong population, that albinos are either cursed or have supernatural properties. Some fishermen believe that, if they weave the red hair from an albino into their nets, fish will be attracted by the golden glimmer. Miners for gold, rubies and tanzanite are reported to pay large sums for juju (magic) amulets, which they wear around their necks or strapped to their arms and which are made up with a potion mixed from albino body parts.”

The strangest part of this story is that the government has “threatened to revoke the licenses of witchdoctors who buy albino body parts.

So the government of Tanzania licenses witchdoctors?!
Is there a TAFE course you can do?

In the interest of a better deal for albinos everywhere, Doctor Maz is proud to offer you a License To Be A Witchdoctor.
simply print out the handsome certificate below, frame it and hang it on the wall of your home or office.

You will be delighted as your family and friends admire this printed evidence of your mastery of the Dark Arts. But remember – No killing albinos, OK?

* I just made this figure up.

The Reluctant Referee

January 8th, 2010 by The Doctor

Dr Maz. Yummy.

A lot of kids say to me “Doctor Maz, you are the only person I know whose opinions are widely respected. You are wise, yet not old, all the girls want you and the guys all want to be you. You are well-read and highly educated, yet you still rock out like a mad bastard. Could you write me a reference for this job I am going for?”

In the spirit of global brotherhood, I thought I would save you (and myself) a lot of time and provide you with a ready-made reference. Just cut and past the following text, change the names… and PRESTO! You have discharged your obligation and are unlikely to be bothered again.

To whom it may concern,

I have known ***insert name here *** for several months, and can attest that he is an alcoholic pederast of almost bovine stupidity, incapable of performing even the simplest of tasks without close, constant supervision.

He lacks an understanding of even the rudiments of personal hygiene and is lazy to the point where we can seldom discern if he is awake or asleep.

His foul and childish attempts at humour are the source of embarrassment to all who know him, and he is constantly prone to random bursts of explosive violence and shocking profanity.

Should you be foolish enough to even consider employing him, you have only yourself to blame and I would not pity you, and consider you to be an even greater cretin than he.


Doctor Maz

Miskatonic University

HTTP Error Codes Explained.

September 21st, 2009 by The Doctor

If there’s one thing Doctor Maz knows about apart from women, it’s HTTP error codes. Yeh, pretty smooth and it impresses the heck out of the ladies!

In a spirit of global brotherhood, The Doctor explains HTTP Error Codes for the REAL WORLD.

It’s Saturday night and you are in the mood for love.
That girl you drunkenly met at the bar wants to come home with you, but first you gotta give her $350? Slip out the back door when she’s not looking.
Error 402 – Payment Required.

You are at a party, she looks 19 and you’re getting on great, she laughs at all your jokes and she is so damn sexy when she dances. Then she lets slip that she will be doing her year 10 exams next year. A prison sentence looms in your future. Slip out of the room and hope no-one saw you chatting to her!
Error 403 – Forbidden.

You think it may be time to get out of there, you look around for your designated driver. He just drove off with Miss Jailbait, leaving you stranded.
Error 404 – Not Found

You walk into the kitchen and her mum starts drunkenly coming on to you. Is that a Snuggie that she’s wearing?
Error 406 – Not acceptable.

Snuggie Mum has you pinned against the wall, breathing vodka all over you and licking your neck when who should walk in but her truck driver husband. Is that a claw hammer in his hand?
Error 409 – Conflict

After some fast talking you escape into the backyard and a very pretty girl takes a big interest in you. Unfortunately her tight shorts are the size of two pillow cases and her head is as big as a watermelon.
Error 413 – Request Entity Too Large

Its getting late, there is only light beer left. Cut your losses, ring a cab and get out of there. There’s always next weekend.
Error 417 – Expectation Failed

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