Get a cat. Seriously.

September 18th, 2011 by The Doctor


Greetings fellow earthlings!

Imagine if you had a drunken midget following you everywhere, babbling inanely, screaming and shitting in their pants. Now imagine if your parents were really pleased about this and encouraged you take another incontinent simpleton into your care.

Imagine a parasite growing inside your body sucking the life out of you until it bursts out of you, tearing apart your vagina in a hellish marathon of pain, suffering and blood!

Yes, of course I am referring to the miracle of childbirth.

 

 

 

 

 

Proud parents come over and show you photos of their horrible, reeking larvae, expecting you to share their enthusiasm for increasing the population of our already overburdened planet.

You don’t have the heart to tell them that the only value you can see in their spawn is as an inexpensive source of protein.

Get a cat.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seriously, kittens are cuter & cleaner than babies and the neighbours won’t call the cops if you leave them at home while you go out at night to drink beer and listen to industrial metal.

Cats dont need nappies changed, spoon feeding and they won’t plot to murder you with shotguns to get their paws on the inheritance –

(Hello Menendez brothers!)

 

 

 

 

 

Next week: Doctor Maz wins more hearts with an explanation of why old people remind him of zombies…

Keeping It “In The Family”

September 15th, 2011 by The Doctor


Greetings Breeders!

Remember when you were 14 and you had that really hot-looking older cousin who you secretly fancied? Now imagine the horror that can be wrought on the fruit of your lustful loins when you plant your seed too close to the fence – your incestuous offspring a stunted, pitiful, malformed, amoral monster (kinda like Alex Perry).

The Hapsburg royal clan liked to keep the money and the power in the family, and so embarked on a 100 year spree of inbreeding – uncles marrying neices, first cousins marrying cousins. Which led to the inevitable – Charles II of Spain.


Charles had a mis-shapen jaw that protruded further than Quentin Tarantinos, so much so that he was unable to chew, and therefore missed out on the minty freshness of chewing gum (if it had been invented in the late 16th century.)

He was so retarded that he could have been a Greens MP, so short that he could have been a TV weatherman, and was prone to fits and seizures.

Naturally, someone so pitifully afflicted would not be considered a “good catch”, even in those times, but being The Freaking King, two marriages were “arranged” for him. Wife number one was by all acounts a beautiful and clever woman named Marie Louise d’ Orleans, who was not a close relation. She endured ten years of depressing matrimony to Charles before escaping the marriage by dying.

A second wife was enlisted to attempt to produce an heir, but after marathon sessions of mind-numbingly awful sex, it was realised that poor drooling Charles was shooting blanks and the horrible genetic experiment ended when he died in 1700, mercifully childless.

Whats In A Name?

March 31st, 2010 by The Doctor


Greeting fellow travellers in cyberspace!

If you want punters to come and hear how awesome your band is, you gotta think of a catchy name.
Personally, I went for NUDE FOR SATAN. It’s snappy, ridiculous and sleazy (just like my music).

If you really want to pack out the pub when you hit the stage how would posters advertising
FREE BEER! or COCK HUNGRY TEENS! work out for you? Pretty good turn out, I should think!
Yeah, some people would probably be a bit disappointed when they pay their five bucks, get their wrists stamped, wander into the bar and find out that its just a smart-arse band name?

Back in the dawn of time, there used to be an art/noise/punk band that played in the inner city called THE SLUGFUCKERS. Apparently they could hardly play their instruments at all, never rehearsed and just screamed gibberish and obscenities for about 20 minutes above the din they generated.
A deliberately offensive stupid band name, volume triumphing over technical ability & the balls to get out there and entertain regardless.

Dr Maz salutes you SLUGFUCKERS !

watch?v=gXQYt9xoju8

Viva Anarchy!

January 27th, 2010 by The Doctor


Greeting fellow citizens of our mighty Commonwealth of Australia!

(and the 1.5 billion people in China who wont be reading this because I mention Democracy and the Tiananman Square Massacre of June 1989)

Now I pride myself on being bigoted and ignorant, but one thing I don’t do is tell other people what they can or can’t do. Sadly it has always been true that politics (like real estate) attracts fuckwits and narcisstic bullies.

Which brings me to Stephen Conroy the Minister for Broadband, Communications and the Digital Economy.

Instead of doing something about the ridiculously long time it takes to download streaming video, the lack of decent web access outside major cities and crippling lag when playing FPS games on OS servers, this delusional arsehole imagines that massive censorship of all free web content is an essential priority.

This self-righteous tool also voted against womens right to have access to the so-called “Morning After” pill RU-486, further evidence of his clucking, fascistic Big Brother attitude.

The Doctor already tolerates enough condescending bullshit from the corrupt and inept shitheel gangsters who run the NSW government. HANDS OFF !

The internet has always been a place of Anarchy and free speech and thats the way (ah-hah, ah-hah) I like it..

Witchdoctor License

January 22nd, 2010 by The Doctor


Hello fellow earthlings!

If you happen to be one of the estimated* 1.2 million pigmentally challenged or “albino” people on the planet, you may thank your god that you don’t live in Tanzania.

The hair, limbs, internal organs and genitals of albino people are considered to be a potent magical ingredient for potions and amulets made by witchdoctors in this wacky african republic.

“A Tanzanian albino activist has evidence that killers acting for witch doctors are turning to cannibalism alongside their quest for lucrative body parts as magic charms.”
“Buyers from as far away as the Democratic Republic of Congo, Burundi, Kenya and Uganda believe the legs, genitals, eyes and hair of people with albinism can help them achieve instant wealth.”

“An albino hand is selling for two million shillings (£1,200),’ she said.”

“The murders are the result of seemingly conflicting beliefs spread by witch doctors, who are still consulted by many of Tanzania’s 40 million-strong population, that albinos are either cursed or have supernatural properties. Some fishermen believe that, if they weave the red hair from an albino into their nets, fish will be attracted by the golden glimmer. Miners for gold, rubies and tanzanite are reported to pay large sums for juju (magic) amulets, which they wear around their necks or strapped to their arms and which are made up with a potion mixed from albino body parts.”

The strangest part of this story is that the government has “threatened to revoke the licenses of witchdoctors who buy albino body parts.

So the government of Tanzania licenses witchdoctors?!
Is there a TAFE course you can do?

In the interest of a better deal for albinos everywhere, Doctor Maz is proud to offer you a License To Be A Witchdoctor.
simply print out the handsome certificate below, frame it and hang it on the wall of your home or office.

You will be delighted as your family and friends admire this printed evidence of your mastery of the Dark Arts. But remember – No killing albinos, OK?

* I just made this figure up.

The Reluctant Referee

January 8th, 2010 by The Doctor


Dr Maz. Yummy.

A lot of kids say to me “Doctor Maz, you are the only person I know whose opinions are widely respected. You are wise, yet not old, all the girls want you and the guys all want to be you. You are well-read and highly educated, yet you still rock out like a mad bastard. Could you write me a reference for this job I am going for?”

In the spirit of global brotherhood, I thought I would save you (and myself) a lot of time and provide you with a ready-made reference. Just cut and past the following text, change the names… and PRESTO! You have discharged your obligation and are unlikely to be bothered again.


To whom it may concern,


I have known ***insert name here *** for several months, and can attest that he is an alcoholic pederast of almost bovine stupidity, incapable of performing even the simplest of tasks without close, constant supervision.

He lacks an understanding of even the rudiments of personal hygiene and is lazy to the point where we can seldom discern if he is awake or asleep.

His foul and childish attempts at humour are the source of embarrassment to all who know him, and he is constantly prone to random bursts of explosive violence and shocking profanity.

Should you be foolish enough to even consider employing him, you have only yourself to blame and I would not pity you, and consider you to be an even greater cretin than he.


Sincerely,

Doctor Maz

Miskatonic University


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