Posts Tagged ‘australia’

Season Greetings!

Thursday, November 27th, 2014

Season Greetings non-retards!

As another year draws to a dismal close, there is an apparent epidemic of idiocy throughout the world and I am constantly either amused or disgusted, usually both at the same time.

If I see you reading the Daily Telegraph, you are obviously so afflicted with crippling stupidity that I wonder how you got together the $2 to buy it.
If you buy one of those stupid things that squirt bug spray/ air freshener/ germicidal liquid automatically in your home you are an especially vile kind of cretin, and a likely future Darwin Award winner. The air inside your house is fucking fine already, stupid. How can there be a market for idiscriminately spraying clouds of toxic chemicals where you eat, sleep and breathe?

We Australians like to think that we are all brave young ANZACs, crocodile hunters and sun-tanned steely-eyed lifesavers, but the reality in 2014 is a nation of flabby, ignorant, bigoted, petty, selfish arseholes.

How else could Rupert Murdoch have persuaded so many of us to elect a reptilian semi-human pommy wing-nut like TONY MOTHERFUCKING ABBOTT to ruin the country?

Our political spectrum has drifted so far to the right that even Pauline Fucking Hanson has popped up again as persistent (and welcome) as genital herpes.

Our beautiful planet is beset with dire problems due the avarice of a cabal of evil scumbags while fear and greed are used as dogwhistles to prod the masses to stumble moronically through their selfish, pointless existences as the riders of the apocalypse loom ever closer behind.

Instead of doing anything about it, we are busy obssessing about Kim Kardashians ridiculous elephantine arse, getting a new iphone, or writing unfunny,badly -formatted illiterate self-serving blog posts that nobody will bother to read (hi mum!).

Pull up a chair, crack open a beer as we sit back and watch the flailing empty-headed masses slide into the cosmic abyss, oblivious to everything except their final pointless facebook status updates.

Merry Christmas everyone!
The Doctor

This Sporting Life

Wednesday, May 9th, 2012

You are all winners!

I hate professional sportspeople.
The vomit rises in my mouth whenever I see those red-faced knuckleheads grunting, sweating and pulling those ridiculous faces.

It’s so… undignified.
It makes me furious that my tax money funds the Fucking Institute Of Sport so these cretins can get really, really good at some glorified childrens amusement. Eventually these moronic parasites will get multi-million dollar sponsorship deals, and they will gleefully pocket the money and their hideous faces will be plastered across cereal boxes and billboards.

Battalions of nutritionists, physiotherapists and child-molesters provide around-the-clock care and training for these gormless, preening buffoons so they can see who can run the fastest, jump the highest, swim, skip and prance… well they’re not exactly finding a cure for cancer, are they?

The Doctor would like to remind you all that the only proper sports are those that involve firearms or motor vehicles.

Charity begins at home

Thursday, March 8th, 2012

Greetings fellow earthings!

Many years ago when my judgement was manifestly impaired by living the wild bohemian life of a rock star, I foolishly made a commitment to send a monthly payment to a large international charity on behalf of a small African boy whose name I dont recall.

Soon my kids will be sponsoring that boys grandkids, and things haven’t really improved a lot in sub-Saharan Africa, have they? Now, I wish these people well and everything, but since when did they become my responsibility? There are millions of desperately poor people fucking everywhere on our little blue planet and the practical best I can do for most of them is to wish them a speedy and painless death.
If their parents had access to some condoms, they wouldn’t be in this mess, would they? Breeding your way out of poverty is kind of like spending your way out of debt. It might make you forget about the mess you are in for a little while, but in the end your arse is going to be even more thoroughly violated by satans enormous throbbing cock.

Charities have become expert at guilt-tripping you into giving them money, but very little of it ends up improving the lives of the poor bastards they claim to be helping. Last year that otherwise laughable tabloid the Daily Telegraph printed this handy chart on where your donations are spent, and the Labor goverment committed $53.6 million of our money over the next four years to set up a new independent regulator called the Australian Charities and Not-for-Profits Commission (ACNC).

You can change the world for the better, by starting in your own backyard.

If you are so inclined why not give your spare beer-money to a legitimate charity of your choice in the city you live in, then you may actually live to see the results of your do-gooding.

Be kind to your neighbours, take the time to talk and listen to lonely or elderly people that you know.

Be nice to each other, let people in line go ahead of you, give money to buskers, give blood, become an organ donor, don’t buy shit that you don’t need… and smile at people.

Problem solved, world saved.